Are you the hot girl, the celebrity, the networker or the consultant? Find yourself in this tongue-in-cheek field guide to inhabitants of the social media jungle.
Yeah! Social media rules! I’m on it, you’re on it. Hell, most people and their pets are on it. But after you’ve been on it for a while, you tend to notice some disturbing trends. I’m not talking about the people who thrash #every #goddamn #hashtag to fish for followers but trends amongst the kinds of people who use them. It’s always interesting to see what value others seem to hold in social media whether it’s for self gratification, promotion, discussion, or airing vapid statements about their hair/lunch/clothes/friends/work/life. So, add one boring night-in and a desire to write something stupid for a change, here’s my two minute social media user guide. Not a guide on how to use any of it but a guide on the personalities who use it based on gross over-generalisations of the number of their followers on four of the most popular platforms out there at the moment – Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Tumblr. Maybe you even know a few of them yourself.
Which one are you?
The hot girl
You’re the hot girl. Your iPhone camera spends more time in face mode than it does pointing the way it should – you know, pointing at things that aren’t you (mirrors excluded). You still have a Twitter account because that is what everyone was on last year but you still don’t “get” how it works. You gave up on Tumblr in favour of Instagram because, like, it is totally, like, easy to get more followers on Instagram, lollzz. Here’s a free tip – your Instagram followers are not appreciating you for your photography composition skills.
You self-righteous prick. You only believe in text-based social media networks and speak fondly of the mIRC Undernet days whilst cracking Reddit jokes. And how you used to totally pick up chicks on ICQ through the random ICQme chat function. Truth is, nobody gives a shit that you never got laid in high school. You probably write a blog using big words too, you jerk.
Dude. Come on. Nobody really gives a shit about what you are doing or what you had for lunch. They’re all just waiting for that one moment when you fuck it all up, so they can slam that RT/ReBlog/Share button like a schoolboy on heat. Sorry.
“I’m huge on Tumblr”.
Yeah, you work a dead end job but you’re big on Tumblr. You forget that your ‘fame’ is purely based on you liking other (people’s) things. When the dust settles and people finally realise that Tumblr is all make-believe, you’ll probably be the one standing there naked. You upload your pictures onto Instagram without a caption because you think that’s how it works. That is not how it works, dumbass.
The social media consultant
Congratulations. You’ve found a way to con companies out of their hard earned marketing dollars for lessons in common sense. Trouble is, you also find the incessant need to be ‘down’ with every new social media platform. Well, that’s not the trouble per se. It is more like that you suck at instagramming because you’re too busy drawing diagrams about it instead of using it, you know, to take photos and shit.
Holy crapskis, do you rape your Facebook wall? And you talk way too much on Twitter. There is no distinction between your personal life and your work and you act like you care, but really, you don’t. People followed you out of curiousity but are now fast tiring of your 24/7 brain diarrhoea and ‘I swear this isn’t a promo but I love product X updates/tweets. Dude. We’re not blind. You tried starting a Tumblr and Instagram but quickly gave that shit up when you realised you couldn’t transfer all your friends across so you could look like you were immediately popular.
For the record, I’m the second one.